Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to the other, Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going...

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: - Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. - Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're just lazy. - Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 2 June 2011

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Friday, 18 January 2008

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Monday, 10 December 2007

I am rejecting your rejection Dear Sir / Madam Thank you for your letter of 4 September 2003. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Tuesday, 8 March 2005

Lady: Is this my train? Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you. The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that even the air can kill you. This morning I stopped reading. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Monday, 25 April 2005

Bula at the exam: Teacher: - Bula, I hope that this time I won't catch you cheating again! Bula: - I hope so too. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 18 August 2011

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. - In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Romanian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. A loud voice from the back of the room piped up: - Yeah, right. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 8 June 2011

A man is walking along a cliff and all of a sudden loses his balance, slips, and falls off. Fortunately, he has the presence of mind to grab on to the edge, and he's hanging there for dear life. He hangs and hangs an finally yells out: "Is there anybody up there who can help me?" There's no answer. He keeps calling and calling. "Is there anybody up there who can help me?". Finally this big ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Monday, 20 August 2007

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play. - Well, started Stallone, I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him. - Chopin has always ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 23 November 2005

- Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were awarded medals of honor for courage. ...?...? How many is a brazillion? ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Tuesday, 11 October 2005

A baby polar bear comes up to his mother and asks, "Momma, am I a polar bear?" "Why, yes, son, of course you are a polar bear," she replies, sending him out to play. Several minutes later, he returns. "Momma, are you absolutely sure I am a polar bear?" "Yes, son, absolutely sure. Now go and play." Several minutes later, he returns asking, "Momma, you're sure I'm 100% polar bear?" "Yes, son, ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 13 August 2008

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, itwill always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 9 August 2007

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format: "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. "Q. Where will the government get this money? "A. From taxpayers. "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? "A. No, they are ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 28 January 2009

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?" "No," I replied. "Would you like to consolidate all your debts?" "I really don't have any," I said. "How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried. "I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried. There was a brief silence, and then he asked, ... read all

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Friday, 2 February 2007