Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the...
proposed: 7 Mar 2005
Due to increasing products liability
litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's
suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all
varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol
may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol
may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again
that you love them.
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying
for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of
the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol
is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower
back.
WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than other people.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol
may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The
crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink
you can tipe real gode.
If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
previous joke I am rejecting your rejection Dear Sir / Madam Thank you for your letter of 4 September 2003. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal [...]
next joke
A mother and a daughter are shopping in
the mall, when the mother eyes an
expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I
will buy my present instead of making
you and Dad shop for me." The daughter
nods in agreement. "And I think this fur
coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But Mom, some
helpless, poor creature has to suffer so
that you can have this."
"Don't worry,
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 7 February 2008
Two guys walk into a bar, separately,
and have a seat at the bar.
One guy notices the other has a black
eye, just like him.
“Hey buddy, how’d you get your
shiner?”
“Well, I was at the train station, and
the ticket girl was veeery hot. And
instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I
slipped and said ‘two PICKets to
TITTsburg’ and she hit me square in
the face. How
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Sunday, 24 August 2008
A few years ago, I decided to visit my
brother who was stationed in Germany. I
assumed that most Germans would speak
English. But I found that many people
spoke only their native tongue -
including the ticket inspector on the
train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted
cordially for a bit, making gestures
like a windmill. I simply nodded from
time to time to show him that I was
interested.
When he
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Friday, 20 October 2006
Little Logan and his family were having
Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he
started eating right away.
- Logan, wait until we say our prayer,
his mother reminded him.
- I don't need to, the little boy
replied.
- Of course you do! his mother insisted,
We say a prayer before eating
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Tuesday, 21 November 2006
On the first day of school, the teacher
asked a student:
- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my
mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you kidding?
The student said:
- No, Kidding is my brother. I am
Joking.
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 19 March 2015
- Bless me Father, for I have sinned
with a woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little
Johnny Parisi?"
- Yes, Father, it is.
- And who was the woman you were with?
- I can't tell you, Father. I don't want
to ruin her reputation.
- Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her
name sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
- I cannot say.
- Was it Teresa Volpe?
- I'll never
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Friday, 6 October 2006
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of
your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: This is her husband!
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Thursday, 12 April 2007
You are driving along in your car on a
wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus
stop, and you see three people waiting
for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is
about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your
life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have
been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a
ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car.
Think
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Monday, 16 May 2005
One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to
pack his own lunch for school. His mom
agreed. But they couldn't agree on what
he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
One sandwich
One apple
Pretzels
A carton of milk
This was Jake's list:
Candy
Candy
Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough,
the next morning, Jake was ready for
school and he packed his lunch. His mom
came
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Friday, 12 January 2007
Two cows are conversing in a field. The
first one says to the other, "Have you
heard about this 'mad cow disease' that
is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm
not worried about it; I'm an airplane!"
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 23 July 2008
In a class on abnormal psychology, the
instructor was about to introduce the
subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you
diagnose a patient who walks back and
forth, screaming at the top of his lungs
one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand
and suggested earnestly, "A basketball
coach?"
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Monday, 4 December 2006
I am rejecting your rejection
Dear Sir / Madam
Thank you for your letter of 4 September
2003. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your company. This year
I have been particularly fortunate in
receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied
and promising field of candidates it is
... read all Bancuri in Engleza (English) Tuesday, 8 March 2005
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and
ordered a couple of drinks. They then
take sandwiches from their briefcases
and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican
approaches them and says, 'Excuse me,
but you cannot eat your own sandwiches
in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and
exchange sandwiches.
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 8 June 2011
A ragged individual stranded for several
months on a small desert island in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a
bottle lying in the sand with a piece of
paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he
pulled out the cork and with shaking
hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read,
"we regretfully have found it necessary
to cancel your e-mail account."
... deschide bancul Bancuri in Engleza (English) Wednesday, 23 May 2007