Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital: Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital. -If you are...

Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital:

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital.

-If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

-If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

-If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

-If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

-If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

-If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

-If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

-If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

-If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.