Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital: Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital. -If you are...

Banc din categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)

propus: 18 Oct 2004

Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital:

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital.

-If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

-If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

-If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

-If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

-If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

-If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

-If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

-If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

-If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

Despite the old saying, Don't take your troubles to bed, many men still sleep with their wives!
banc precedent
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
banc urmator

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house,so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 31 August 2004


A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said:
- You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.
The cat thought for a minute and then said:
- All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.
God said:
- Say no more.
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 30 Martie 2005


Why did the woman cross the Road?

Never mind that - what I would like to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen, in the first place! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 19 Noiembrie 2013


Basic philosophy in BIG 4:
- Ernst & Young = Dead & Young
- PriceWaterhouseCoopers = Prices are everything, no water, no house, cope with us, cause we don’t care!!!
- KPMG = Kill People More Gently
- Deloitte & Touche = Delighted to kill our employees. Touchė!!! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 27 Aprilie 2007


If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 24 Februarie 2005


A couple is lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says: "I'll miss you." ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 9 Iunie 2005


- What is the longest word in the English language?
- It is the word "smiles", because there is a mile between the first letter and the last! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 20 Octombrie 2013


Thirty lines to make you smile.

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 15 Februarie 2006


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 8 Martie 2007


A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees the little girl being attacked by a pitbull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeds in killing the dog and saving the girls live.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
- You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves a little girl's life"
- But ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 3 Mai 2006


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes....... ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 18 Octombrie 2004


Ce ar putea intelege cineva care nu stie engleza atunci cand te aude spunand: "I can't believe you."
Raspuns: "Ai Kent, ba Liviu?" ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 11 Noiembrie 2014


The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 28 Iulie 2006


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 12 Aprilie 2007


I'm sorry that you haven't gotten much email from me lately. It's because I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 18 Octombrie 2004