When you have an I hate My Job day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer...
propus: 12 Sep 2006
When you have an "I hate My Job" day,
try this: George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George B.: Great. Lay it on me. Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new [...]
On your way home from
work, stop at your pharmacy and go to
the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson. Be very sure you get this
brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing
and sit in your favorite chair. Open the
package and remove the thermometer. Now,
carefully place it on a table or a
surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Now the fun
part begins. Take out the literature and
read it carefully. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times: "I am so glad I do
not work in the Thermometer quality
control at Johnson & Johnson!"
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE
IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
banc precedent These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. - Since my last report, [...]
Two guys walk into a bar, separately,
and have a seat at the bar.
guy notices the other has a black eye,
just like him.
how’d you get your shiner?”
“Well, I was at the train station,
and the ticket girl was veeery hot. And
instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I
slipped and said ‘two PICKets to
TITTsburg’ and she hit me square in
the ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 24 August 2008
- Bless me Father, for I have sinned
with a woman.
The priest asks, "Is
that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
Yes, Father, it is.
- And who was
the woman you were with?
- I can't
tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin
- Well, Johnny, I'm
sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
- I cannot say.
- Was it Teresa Volpe?
- ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 6 Octombrie 2006
News from Heaven: Due to the current
financial crisis facing the world at the
moment, the light at the end of the
tunnel will be switched off to save on
electricity costs, until further notice.
God ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 21 Noiembrie 2008
A simple friend, when visiting, acts
like a guest.
A real friend opens
your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend has never seen
A real friend has shoulders
soggy from your tears.
friend doesn't know your
friend has their phone numbers in his
A simple friend
brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 5 Mai 2005
A statistician, who refused to fly after
reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on
any given plane, realized that the
probability of there being two bombs on
any given flight is very low. Now,
whenever he flies, he carries a bomb
with him. ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 7 Februarie 2006
Jack, who is a smart businessman, talks
to his son
Jack: I want you to
marry a girl of my choice
will choose my own bride!"
"But the girl is Bill Gates's
Son: "Well, in that
Next Jack approaches
Jack: "I have a husband
for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 29 Septembrie 2005
George Bush is visiting the Queen of
England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how
do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the
most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people.
"Bush frowns. "But how do I know the
people around me are really
The Queen takes a
sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 14 Iulie 2006
A lady about eight months pregnant got
on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. So she
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned to a
grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
even more amused. When, on the fourth
move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the
The case came up in
court. The judge asked the man ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 2 Iulie 2007
A man called 911 and said, "Someone come
quick! My wife fell asleep on the couch
with her mouth open and a mouse ran down
replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece
of cheese over her mouth and maybe the
mouse will come out. An ambulance is on
When the ambulance
arrived, the EMT found the man waving a
fish over his wife's mouth.
"What on earth are you ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 13 August 2008
A couple was going out for the evening.
They'd gotten ready, all dolled up,
dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and
as the couple start out, the dog shoots
back in the house. They don't want
the dog shut in the house,so the wife
goes out to the taxi while the husband
goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that
the house will be empty explains to the
taxi ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 31 August 2004
A few years ago, I decided to visit my
brother who was stationed in Germany. I
assumed that most Germans would speak
English. But I found that many people
spoke only their native tongue -
including the ticket inspector on the
He punched my ticket, then
chatted cordially for a bit, making
gestures like a windmill. I simply
nodded from time to time to show him
that I was interested.
When ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 20 Octombrie 2006
Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, and
Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said:
believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.
Tom Thumb said:
- I must be the smallest person in
absolutely have to be the ugliest person
in the world.
They decided to
go to the Guinness Book of World Records
to have their claims verified.
Sleeping ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 15 Martie 2005
A father was trying to teach his young
son the evils of alcohol.
put one worm in a glass of water and
another worm in a glass of
The worm in the water lived, while the
one in the whiskey
curled up and
"All right, son," asked
the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if
you drink alcohol, you will not have
worms." ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 18 August 2008
A man is walking along a cliff and all
of a sudden loses his balance, slips,
and falls off. Fortunately, he has the
presence of mind to grab on to the edge,
and he's hanging there for dear life. He
hangs and hangs an finally yells out:
"Is there anybody up there who can help
There's no answer.
calling and calling. "Is there anybody
up there who can help me?".
this big ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 20 August 2007