Headlines from the year 2029: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,...

Banc din categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)

propus de: Asignix pe data: 2 Mar 2006

Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Thirty lines to make you smile. 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute [...]
banc precedent
Positive Thinking Poem... Little birdy in the sky, You look up and it shits in your eye You don't mind and you don't cry, You just thank God that cows don't fly...
banc urmator

01. While working with Mr. Ionescu, I have always found him
02. working studiously and sincerely at his table without
03. gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
04. wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
05. finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
06. deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
07. found chitchatting in the canteen. He ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 2 Iunie 2011


A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs:
- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.
- Now, now,. ..her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.
- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!
- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom. Those turkey rolls are only ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 12 Aprilie 2005


Teacher:
- I killed a person. Tell me this sentence in future tense.
Student:
- In future tense: You will go to jail. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 19 Decembrie 2010


A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 18 Aprilie 2008


Then there was a man who said:
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 5 Octombrie 2006


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 8 Martie 2007


Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 18 Octombrie 2004


- Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
- The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
- Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
- The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
- The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
- The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

- - - The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words!!! - - - ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 10 Aprilie 2007


People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes.
People who do less work... make less mistakes.
People who do no work... make no mistakes.
People who make no mistakes... gets promoted.
That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work... I need a promotion. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 10 Ianuarie 2005


On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the Buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 15 Septembrie 2004


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 30 Mai 2010


These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This employee is really not ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 22 Septembrie 2006


A couple is lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says: "I'll miss you." ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 9 Iunie 2005


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK: <br>1. Innovative <br>2.
Preliminary <br>3. Proliferation <br>4.
Cinnamon <br> <br>THINGS THAT ARE VERY
DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: <br>1.
Specificity <br>2. ...THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 22 Mai 2008


The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski tomorrow morning." ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 30 Noiembrie 2006