As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me...
propus: 19 Dec 2005
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send
me forwards over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy. To do is to be. Socrate To be is to do. Aristotel Do be do be do. Sinatra
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the
one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a
wet towel every time I need to seal an
Also, I scrub the top of
every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer
drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.
I no longer use
Saran wrap in the microwave because it
I no longer
check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer
use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a
I no longer go to
shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob
I no longer receive
packages from nor send packages by UPS
or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer
answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will
get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their
"chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but
that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
no longer have to buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus since I now have
I no longer worry
about my soul because at last count I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned
that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the
I no longer
have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email
Yes, I want
to thank you so much for looking out for
me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail
to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked
case of diarrhea will land on your head
at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next-door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician....
banc precedent THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE: Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: Will you marry me? The girl said NO! And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf [...]
News from Heaven: Due to the current
financial crisis facing the world at the
moment, the light at the end of the
tunnel will be switched off to save on
electricity costs, until further notice.
God ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 21 Noiembrie 2008
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer
- What's with these guys?
We must have been waiting for 15
The doctor chimed in:
I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude!
- Hey, here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with
him.... Hi George! Say, what's ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 31 Martie 2005
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan
meets him, shows him doors to three
rooms, and says he must choose one spend
In the first room,
people are standing in shit up to their
necks. The guy says "no, let me see the
In the second room,
people are standing with shit up to
their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the
third room. People are standing ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 2 Februarie 2006
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your
Caller: I heard what
sounded like gunshots coming from the
brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and
slacks, why? ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 12 Aprilie 2007
One Sunday morning, everyone in a
bright, beautiful, tiny town got up
early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their
appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 5 Aprilie 2007
The man told his doctor that he wasn't
able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said:
Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in
plain English what is wrong with me.
- Well, in plain English, the doctor
replied, you're just lazy.
said the man. Now give me the medical
term so I can tell my wife. ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 2 Iunie 2011
Well, it appears our African-American
friends have found yet something else to
be pissed about. A black congresswoman
reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding
names. She would prefer some names that
reflect African-American culture such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal,
and Jamal. She would also like the
weather reports to be broadcast in
language that ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 20 Februarie 2007
A psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children...
all have obsessions, he observed.
the first mother, Mary, he said:
You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.
turned to the second Mom, Ann:
Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name,
He turns to the third ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 17 Ianuarie 2007
A young lady visited the government
matchmaker for marriage and requested:
"I'm looking for a spouse. Can you
please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said: "Your
"Well, let me
see. Needs to be good looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at
singing and dancing.
accompany me the whole day at home
during my leisure hour, if I ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 27 August 2007
Due to increasing products liability
litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the
FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on
all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol
may make you think you are ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 7 Martie 2005
My sister, a truck driver, had decided
to get a dog for protection. As she
inspected a likely candidate, the
trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
Perfect, my sister thought, and took the
Then one day, two men in a
parking lot approached her, and she
watched to see how her canine bodyguard
would react. Soon it became clear that
the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men
got closer, the dog ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 13 Iunie 2007
Two mothers are having a conversation
about their children one day.
do you get your Marvin up so early on
school mornings? asks Joan.
that's easy, replies Marianne. I just
throw the cat on his bed.
- Why does
that wake him up?
- He sleeps with
the dog! ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 13 Martie 2008