As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me...
propus: 19 Dec 2005
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send
me forwards over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy. To do is to be. Socrate To be is to do. Aristotel Do be do be do. Sinatra
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the
one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a
wet towel every time I need to seal an
Also, I scrub the top of
every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer
drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.
I no longer use
Saran wrap in the microwave because it
I no longer
check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer
use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a
I no longer go to
shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob
I no longer receive
packages from nor send packages by UPS
or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer
answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will
get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their
"chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but
that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
no longer have to buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus since I now have
I no longer worry
about my soul because at last count I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned
that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the
I no longer
have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email
Yes, I want
to thank you so much for looking out for
me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail
to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked
case of diarrhea will land on your head
at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next-door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician....
banc precedent THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE: Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: Will you marry me? The girl said NO! And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf [...]
Jack Benny is walking down the street,
when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and
says: Your money or your life!
extremely long silence follows. Your
money or your life!, the thug repeats.
Finally Benny says: I am thinking! ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 2 Februarie 2006
An engineer dies and reports to Heaven.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says,
"Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the
So the engineer
reports to Hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and
starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 4 Aprilie 2007
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets
pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical
lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the
Cop so he decides to have some fun at
the Cop's expense.
License and registration, please.
- What for?
- You didn't come to a
complete stop at the stop sign.
- I slowed down,
and no one was coming.
- Exactly! License ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 22 Noiembrie 2005
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
with an Engineering degree asks, "How
does it work?"
The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will
The graduate with an Arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?" ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 31 Martie 2005
A Czech goes to the optician who shows
him a card with the letters 'C Z W X
N Q S T A C Z'.
"Can you read
this?" the optician asks.
it?" the Czech replies, "I even know the
guy." ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 31 August 2004
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN
THINGS THAT ARE VERY
DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 22 Mai 2008
10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT (If
Written By College Students)
10. Last Supper would have been
eaten the next morning - cold.
The Ten Commandments are actually only
five, double-spaced, and written in a
8. New edition every two
years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been
eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 17 Mai 2007
Friends of women:
A wife was
not at home for a whole night. So she
tells her husband, the very next
morning, that she stayed at her
girlfriend's apartment over night.
So the husband calls 10 of her best
girlfriends and none of them confirm
Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a
whole night. So he tells his wife the
very next morning, that he stayed at his
friend's ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 28 Septembrie 2004
TEACHER: George Washington not only
chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you
know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the
axe in his hand. ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 1 Mai 2009
A Polish man moved to the USA and
married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed
into a lawyer's office and asked him if
he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a
divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the
- Have you any
- Yes, an acre and half and ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 16 Ianuarie 2007
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on
gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
several years before the Afghan
conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked about 5 paces
behind their husbands. She returned to
Kabul recently and observed that women
still walk behind their husbands, but
now seem to walk even further back and
are happy with the old custom.
Walters approached one of ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 8 Septembrie 2004
Before I lay me down
I pray for a man,
who's not a creep,
handsome, smart and strong
loves to listen long,
One who thinks
before he speaks,
call, not wait for weeks.
he's gainfully employed,
spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my
Massages me back and begs to
do ... citeste tot
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 23 August 2005
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence
starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say,
MILLIE: All right... 'I am
the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ... deschide bancul
Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 26 Noiembrie 2008