Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the...

Jack, who is a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 29 Septembrie 2005

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 18 Octombrie 2004

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said: "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 31 Martie 2005

A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down her throat!"

The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An ambulance is on the way."

When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a fish over his wife's mouth.

"What on earth are you ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 13 August 2008

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates.
As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun,
- "What was the name of the first man that God created?"
- "Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 5 Iunie 2006

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry, ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 7 Februarie 2008

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 26 Noiembrie 2008

How to avoid the flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 21 Ianuarie 2005

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..." ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 19 Iulie 2007

Depression in the age of global outsourcing: I was feeling depressed the other day, so I called LifeLine. They had recently outsourced, so I was put through to their new Call Center in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited to hear this and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.... ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 12 Noiembrie 2007

- 25th Wedding Anniversary -
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
- Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?
Tom responded:
- Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 21 Iunie 2007

The 3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman
Need it faster? Ask her not to tell anyone! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 24 Iunie 2007

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 2 Februarie 2006

A dog looks at its owner and thinks: "You feed me, care for me, and love me...you must be a god!"
A cat looks at its owner and thinks: "You feed me, care for me, and love me...I must be a god!" ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 17 August 2005

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving theirfirst anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them:
- In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 2 Mai 2007