A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the...

Banc din categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)

propus: 31 Aug 2004

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house,so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

An English professor wrote the words : A woman without her man is nothing on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: [...]
banc precedent
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, Why don't you ask the Priest? So Jack goes up to the Priest and [...]
banc urmator

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 18 Aprilie 2008


A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams.
"Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 9 Martie 2007


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 31 August 2004


Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it; I'm an airplane!" ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 23 Iulie 2008


Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 14 Iunie 2007


The 3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman
Need it faster? Ask her not to tell anyone! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 24 Iunie 2007


News from Heaven: Due to the current
financial crisis facing the world at the
moment, the light at the end of the
tunnel will be switched off to save on
electricity costs, until further ...News from Heaven: Due to the current financial crisis facing the world at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off to save on electricity costs, until further notice.

Sincerely yours,
God ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 21 Noiembrie 2008


With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Luni, 5 Februarie 2007


There are 2 people always next to you:
<br>The Manager, smiling pleasantly to
hide evil intentions! <br>The Team
Leader, busy figuring out what work to
dump on you next... <br>And, there's
YOU, who struggles ...There are 2 people always next to you:
The Manager, smiling pleasantly to hide evil intentions!
The Team Leader, busy figuring out what work to dump on you next...
And, there's YOU, who struggles with it all! ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Duminica, 22 Iunie 2008


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Joi, 24 Februarie 2005


A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is:
- All lawyers are assholes.
A man sitting in the corner shouts:
- I take offense to that!
The pissed off guy asks him:
- Why? Are you a lawyer?
The other replies:
- No, I'm an asshole. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 30 Iunie 2006


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
- You all have obsessions, he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said:
- You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
- Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
He turns to the third ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 17 Ianuarie 2007


Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said:
- I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.
Tom Thumb said:
- I must be the smallest person in the world.
Quasimodo said:
- I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Marti, 15 Martie 2005


A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
- In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Romanian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up:
- Yeah, right. ... deschide bancul

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Miercuri, 8 Iunie 2011


My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said:
- I know I had my cell phone with me. And
now I can't find it!
I replied:
- Aren't you talking on it!?
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by:
- You are NOT going to tell ... citeste tot

Bancuri in Engleza (English) Vineri, 1 Februarie 2008