A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said:
- You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.
The cat thought for a minute and then said:
- All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.
God said:
- Say no more.
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said:
- Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we [...] citește tot

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 12:10
Nota 8.4 din 7 voturi

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
- Logan, wait until we say our prayer, his mother reminded him.
- I don't need to, the little boy replied.
- Of course you do! his mother insisted, We say a prayer before eating at our house.
- That's at our house, Logan explained, but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook! : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 18 Aprilie 2024, 02:55
Nota 8.4 din 8 voturi

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 22:18
Nota 8.0 din 6 voturi

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. He thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop's expense.
Cop says:
- License and registration, please.
Lawyer says:
- What for?
Cop says:
- You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
Lawyer says:
- I slowed down, and no one was coming.
Cop says:
- Exactly! License and registration, please.
Lawyer says:
- What's the difference?
Cop says:
- The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!
Lawyer says:
- I'll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference [...] citește tot

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 15:55
Nota 8.0 din 3 voturi

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student:
- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you kidding?
The student said:
- No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking. : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 13:34
Nota 7.9 din 12 voturi

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but [...] citește tot

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 20:09
Nota 7.8 din 19 voturi

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages me back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 18 Aprilie 2024, 03:03
Nota 7.8 din 4 voturi

A woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."
The woman says, "HEL...Looooooo... I've got windows.!!" : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 19:34
Nota 7.6 din 5 voturi

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can [...] citește tot

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 18 Aprilie 2024, 00:10
Nota 7.5 din 6 voturi

"I just don't understand it", an Irish footballer complained... "One match I play very well, and then the next match I'm terrible".
"Well", said his wife, "why don't you just play every other match?" : : deschide bancul

Categoria: Bancuri in Engleza (English)
Citit de 3 ori : : Ultima oara citit: 17 Aprilie 2024, 20:09
Nota 7.4 din 10 voturi